rendering

Guys, guys!

Check out my latest submission at My DeviantArt Gallery!
Its a cute little rendering (nothing special).

better get back to keeping an eye on that juicy burger I'm cooking ;)

feeling so ugly

Doesn't matter what you do to make yourself feel good sometimes...

I buffed myself up in the bath today, y'know, because I was feeling a bit ordinary, and felt pretty good when i got out and made myself smooth and hairless again. it's also been 58 hours since I've orgasmed too so I'm a bit strung out.

Well I try to flirt and it gets ignored. It only takes that for your hour of work in the tub to be brought back to feeling sub-ordinary again. It's really upsetting.

WTF HAPPENED TO THE FUN.

Here come the tears again

I wonder myself how to happens... Why I let it happen. Online chat is the worst place to argue with someone. But no, something bothers me and I can't take it so I leap in and say what's on my mind.

People ordinarily praise openness. But it has serious limits.

A good example is today when a client of my sister's (she works in a beauty salon) asked her if she was pregnant. Now if she was, fantastic! Well done. The fact is that she's not and she got extremely offended.

I wonder sometimes if I'd make a good martyr by stitching up my mouth and never spoke again. People hurt. Then I get hurt. I am upset. I'm really confused

I don't know what else to say. Perhaps I should just say no more.

Work balancing act

Well this week, I've worked out that the next 5 weeks of my studying life are going to be a LIVING NIGHTMARE. Check this out:

*Professional-standard website in 4 weeks
*Some sort of complex animation in 3 weeks
*Fully rendered Maya scenes based on an artwork
*A fully bound and professionally printed 30-40 page booklet on typography in a postcode (I chose Elsternwick, which is a really clean area so finding really interesting samples of text is tricky)
*An exam for the web design class.

And weaved in there is:

*Weekly exercises in Flash for the know-how on the website
*Weekly exercises in Maya for the know-how on materials and bump maps,
*Yet another typography brief which is at the moment unknown to me.
*Correcting type assignments that I didn't do so well in or made mistakes.

OMG.

Any more shit happens and I'm going to explode. There will be brains everywhere. My brains can only handle a certain amount of taskage.

I need sugar. And perhaps alcohol. And maybe even cigarettes.

Good luck me.

Last night

Ok let me paint the picture for you...

I unblocked the Jesse, decided that I couldn't wait an entire week to work out wtf is going on. I was angry and I was hurt, and decided to ask him to come around that very evening, and do what he had to do. As soon as he left I became scared again. This was about at 7.00pm

'What have I done? ' I'd think. Deciding that sitting indoors for the next 1.25 hours would make me insane, I went for a walk around the block. In the dark. Alone. yeah, stupid I know but it was either losing my mind staying indoors or taking a slightly risky walk around the block to air my mind out. I bought drinks and got back home, cracked open a cold one, and sat out on the bonnet of my car. I had my ciggies, had my drink, the moon was out and I had fresh air. The best I could do for myself. It was 7.40pm at this stage.

I waited.

And waited.

And sat and waited.

Cried

Smoked.

Drank.

Waited

Cried

Smoked

Waited.

It was bitterly cold but I felt like I couldn't move, for how horrific was this going to be for me. Footsteps in the streets continued to haunt me for that time, and everytime I thought he was approaching, I froze.

Eventually, I concluded that he was in fact not going to turn up and got back inside. It was 9pm at this stage.

Angry and sad, I sat down at the computer and messaged a few people on IRC, talked to my dad. That helped.

Then there was that dreaded knock at the door.

I froze.

I paused for a long while before answering the door. And when I saw him, all the angriness just washed away and all that I wanted to do was to hold him and for nothing to be wrong. I cried. He also cut his hair which I was bummed about because I wanted to run my fingers through it and had wanted to see it short for a while now.

L: "Is this really what you want?"

J: "I don't know"

Pause.

J: "I don't want to lose you".

L: "I can't be hurt like this again"

J: "I know".

There was extra dialogue in there that sealed the deal but you get the idea.
And so it was settled. The breaking up is really hard when you don't actually hate someone, but you resent the hurt you've endured. We couldn't leave eachother.

And I got to finally run my fingers through that amazing hair!

The plan now is to take things easy and not crowd eachother with the emotional crap that is a full blown relationship. I like this idea. I had for a long time forgotten who I was with Jesse because I spent so much time with him. It's time for me to spend more time with myself and not being scared to be alone.

Perspective

I am awake now because I woke up at 5.30 with the most incredible thirst from this hangover, and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. Not from thinking or anything, my brain just thinks it's time to be awake. Weird feeling. I thought now that I realise I have some black card tucked away, I might finish my typography assignment now instead of madly rushing to do it in class.

Currently eating toast and drinking milk. I had to force myself because I've felt really sick since yesterday. I'm glad that I've started eating again. Hayley bought us takeaway last night and I couldn't eat very much of it. God if it wasn't for her I probably would have stayed up all night and not eaten and lost my mind. Exactly the reason you always look after you're mates- you never know when you're REALLY going to need them.

I'm still down but I feel a bit better. Not really crying or anything like that, just depressed. I hope meeting up with friends today will cheer me up a little. And maybe a gloria jeans white hot chocolate *mmmmmm*

All I know is that I can't live in limbo for much longer. It has to either continue or finish by a week's time or I might go crazy. It's not looking so good for us at the moment.

Hurt.

I'm idling here at the keyboard, shocked at what has just happened. I can't even express my sorrow properly in words.

Jesse doesn't know if he wants me or not and has wondered for some time.

He told me he loved me.
He told me he cared about me
He told me he missed me all the time.
He even said all of this last night when I slept in his bed naked.

Lies.

All fucking lies. I am so stupid. Everyone was right. I can't trust him.

The worst part yet is I'm still swinging in the balance. I have no idea what's going on.

I keep swinging from feeling numb, to feeling angry, to going into deep depression, to utter sadness, and back again. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I'm confused and frustrated.

Thank god Hayley is coming to see me. I might die without her right now.

1.5-er

Jesse and I have made it to the 1.5 litres of love mark!

In your face to those who thought it wouldn't get there.

XOX :D

X'(

IT HURTS.
IT STINGS.
That's love for you.

I'm probably not in the best state of mind today. I have severe menstrual tension and it's making me fierce.
I just missed him and really needed him today. And he won't come. To be expected I guess, with being told that I'm a nuisance.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO.

I wonder...

I wonder if I matter a lot. I think it comes down to people not checkin up on me. Especially when they know I'm not at my grandest at the moment. And I mean everyone.

Lately been suffering from panic attacks. Not sure why except some form of intense stress!

ARGH.

feeling down :(

OMG! EXTRA BOOB!

Holy crap!

A zit on my chest, just on the top of my cleavage and to the left a little, has grown into a full on massive mutherfucker. It seriously looks like an extra mini-boob. Probably shouldn't have tried squeezing it huh :S

DANG IT HURTS....

Sleep

Hey there.

I found a way to help me sleep without my brain ticking while I lay there...

It's based on the fact that Jesse takes a monstrous amount of time to reply on MSN. I just get into bed, get warm and tired, and then instead of thinking, I'm waiting for a message, so I fell asleep in a matter of 6 minutes last night, according to my logs.

Yeah, ok, it's a hack around, but it worked...

Also elated this week because my major typography assignment is not due next week (week 8), but week 13! Yay! that's what you get for listening to the lecturer, who got it wrong because she is terribly inexperienced, and not reading the brief correctly. I blame the latter. I have a knack for making assumptions with the brief rather than actually reading it until I fully understand. I usually piece it together thoroughly half way through finishing a project. Meh, it works. Another hack around.

Bye all