Last night

Ok let me paint the picture for you...

I unblocked the Jesse, decided that I couldn't wait an entire week to work out wtf is going on. I was angry and I was hurt, and decided to ask him to come around that very evening, and do what he had to do. As soon as he left I became scared again. This was about at 7.00pm

'What have I done? ' I'd think. Deciding that sitting indoors for the next 1.25 hours would make me insane, I went for a walk around the block. In the dark. Alone. yeah, stupid I know but it was either losing my mind staying indoors or taking a slightly risky walk around the block to air my mind out. I bought drinks and got back home, cracked open a cold one, and sat out on the bonnet of my car. I had my ciggies, had my drink, the moon was out and I had fresh air. The best I could do for myself. It was 7.40pm at this stage.

I waited.

And waited.

And sat and waited.

Cried

Smoked.

Drank.

Waited

Cried

Smoked

Waited.

It was bitterly cold but I felt like I couldn't move, for how horrific was this going to be for me. Footsteps in the streets continued to haunt me for that time, and everytime I thought he was approaching, I froze.

Eventually, I concluded that he was in fact not going to turn up and got back inside. It was 9pm at this stage.

Angry and sad, I sat down at the computer and messaged a few people on IRC, talked to my dad. That helped.

Then there was that dreaded knock at the door.

I froze.

I paused for a long while before answering the door. And when I saw him, all the angriness just washed away and all that I wanted to do was to hold him and for nothing to be wrong. I cried. He also cut his hair which I was bummed about because I wanted to run my fingers through it and had wanted to see it short for a while now.

L: "Is this really what you want?"

J: "I don't know"

Pause.

J: "I don't want to lose you".

L: "I can't be hurt like this again"

J: "I know".

There was extra dialogue in there that sealed the deal but you get the idea.
And so it was settled. The breaking up is really hard when you don't actually hate someone, but you resent the hurt you've endured. We couldn't leave eachother.

And I got to finally run my fingers through that amazing hair!

The plan now is to take things easy and not crowd eachother with the emotional crap that is a full blown relationship. I like this idea. I had for a long time forgotten who I was with Jesse because I spent so much time with him. It's time for me to spend more time with myself and not being scared to be alone.