:(

on the panda trail!
Feeling like I don't matter again.

I realise this feeling comes from Jesse. Not that it's his fault, but that's where it comes from. Because i never felt unwanted like this before.

Feeling redundant.

I think I'm gonna have a go at using Maya again. Maybe if I create something beautiful I won't feel so icky.

o.O

on the panda trail!

Oh no...

Oh crap! No!

A piece of my back tooth fell away today. NASTY.

The reality that I should see a dentist after not going for a total run of three years is finally beginning to grip me.

SCARY SHIT.

In other news... I got my tax return early this morning and so was able to pay my uni fees, buy books, pay phone bill, and do shopping all in the one day. Yay. It was such a pleasant surprise to find $930 in my account instead of $420. Would you believe that around $370 went out the window on bills today. CRAP.

LIFE IS EXPENSIVE KIDDIES! Stay at home if you can :(
Just thinking about the fact that I could have afforded a graphics tablet with the cash I spent on bills today makes me shudder :S

Life is...

on the panda trail!

It's official.

Life is about competing with other people about how bad your misery is. In that game, I score highly, and what for? It's not that bad dammit!

There's a few things that bother me this year.
*Being all alone and isolated from everyting and one I know.
*Feeling like you have nobody because of the distance
*Jesse's despair (makes me sad because I can do nothing)
*My extremely small impact on the world/country/city/5m radius.
*Feeling like I don't matter at all. To anybody. Unprecious, unheard, unrelated, uncomforted, and, at times, unloved. I know I am loved but I wonder why because if I were watching me I'd not want to love me.
*Thinking about not physically or mentally existing. It is my worst fear. So bad that if I think about it when lying in bed I panic and have to get up. It is fucking up my life and there's no relief because I can't accept it or use any stupid religious quick fixes because I can't believe.

This is enough to make somebody really depressed, but I'd really like to just get over it and be happy. I'd like to say like before but I don't think my secondary school years are any rosier. There is so much mess in my head. I need a filter cleaning tray to remove this depressing crap.