Life is...

on the panda trail!

It's official.

Life is about competing with other people about how bad your misery is. In that game, I score highly, and what for? It's not that bad dammit!

There's a few things that bother me this year.
*Being all alone and isolated from everyting and one I know.
*Feeling like you have nobody because of the distance
*Jesse's despair (makes me sad because I can do nothing)
*My extremely small impact on the world/country/city/5m radius.
*Feeling like I don't matter at all. To anybody. Unprecious, unheard, unrelated, uncomforted, and, at times, unloved. I know I am loved but I wonder why because if I were watching me I'd not want to love me.
*Thinking about not physically or mentally existing. It is my worst fear. So bad that if I think about it when lying in bed I panic and have to get up. It is fucking up my life and there's no relief because I can't accept it or use any stupid religious quick fixes because I can't believe.

This is enough to make somebody really depressed, but I'd really like to just get over it and be happy. I'd like to say like before but I don't think my secondary school years are any rosier. There is so much mess in my head. I need a filter cleaning tray to remove this depressing crap.