The trail ends at a dead end. Ultimately

on the panda trail!

I was fairly sleepless last night.... Everything seemed to just rush into my brain at once, and then I thought of my life in ten years.... Would I be married and having a kid? Would I be depressed and single? Would everything have turned upside down and my reality just torn to shreds? I don't know. Thinking that much in advance scares the shit out of me. I like my independance but I'm far from ready to grow up and grow old. It just seemed so empty, the outlook. I wonder if I will look at my life in retrospect in the same way that I look at my bank account: "Where on earth did it all go?"

I dunno what my bigger fear is: a death which is followed by nothing or looking back and wondering where did it all go.

I wonder if age gives us wisdom about death and comfort in it rather than fear. I can only possibly think that only the scared, naive, uneducated or terminally ill could find comfort in it.

Death is the reason we have our alcoholics, murderers, psychos and paedophiles. Because ultimately, if nothing follows, it really isn't going to matter. Bleak, but possibly true. I have plenty of reason to be sceptical but very little reason to hope.